on living fearlessly #2

 …never be afraid to admit to your mistakes. but also, dont take on your mistakes as if something is wrong with u for making them.

so much on my mind. so much not on my mind. some much i’ve learned. so much i have yet to figure out. so much i’ve grown. so much is still the same. now comes analysis.

need a do-over

i kinda oughta feel bad. i have not done none of my god/is business to bring in the nu year. i have done better at being a daughter and sister instead. so therefore, i will count it all joy and catch the nu moon in january. plant the seeds for laying a great foundation for something even greater!!!

hapi nu year

Hapi Nu Year!!!

 

I had a few ‘moments’ but i think i self-regulated very well, considering…..

anyhoot, in my week 6, which is all about family, im headed to spend the rest of the day with my family. love to you and yours. here’s to making this new gregorian cycle even better than the last one. here’s to manifesting the blessings and sweetness of life, freeing ourselves of destructive thoughts and behaviors, and being better mates, parents, friends, and  siblings. As Oluwo mi says: May this year be our best breakthrough year yet!!

 

Peace Out!!

#momentnumbersixthousand

starting to feel antsy. thinking about all the things still left undone. dont want to give into the heavy feelings. shit on my mind. unknowns slowly floating to the top. afraid of scary outcomes. trying not to focus on them and shift the mind, when i find us there. constant self-regulations. can be tiring but cant give into that either. aint nobody else to lean on. bet not never tell nobody but gawd. proa’ly wouldnt know how to lean on anybody anyways, been so long. just gotta keep moving. regardless. whether worthy or unworthy, just gotta keep moving. going dry my eyes, makes some tea and start from where i am.

TGFF (thank God for family)

spent the morning with my family. the womenfolk, at that. my momma, sista, nieces and daughter. we had a great time. laughing nonstop. my mom is so happy. i am humbled to share moments like this with her. we spend so much of the other parts of the year walking eggshells. a wonderful day. may we all embrace, treasure and  pass down that unspoken moment of perfectness with family.

dr. martha vega on: our homes

Our homes are our sacred temples…they should be the space we feel safe, are nurtured and protected. It is in our hands to make them so. Embrace the courage to transform our homes into the spaces that are loving and protect the sacredness that is us.

stringing…

tasks for the nite:

• made affirmations under the moon
• string two elekes
• make ebo

must stop daydreaming….

so much on my mind. so much not on my mind. some much i’ve learned. so much i have yet to figure out. so much i’ve grown. so much is still the same.

now come analysis.

she now rests in my dreams

Yesterday, i buried my big sister/my dearest friend. she died on Sept. 1st and we buried her on the 6th.  The services and all of the behind the scenes moments, were beautiful. i feel a renewed energy that i cannot explain. As if she is sending me the energy that i need but often times failed to muster within myself. i hear her clearly. she was my everything. i could tell her everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, the mundane. we bounced ideas and notions off of each other constantly. we were two of the same lot: misunderstood and intimidating. and not by our choice, believe that!

i will miss my sister. she is one of the few women who truly loved me. was not two-faced. did not have something to say negative about me. nor had words to ‘tear me down’ when she got with others. i am thankful to her for showing me true, kindred, sisterly love. sisterhood aint what it used to be nowadays. i am thankful i had her love and friendship for the while that i had it.

she will be sorely missed. but i know what i need to do and i will do it! baba is absolutely correct. She has been elevated once again, this time…to eternal teacher!

May God’s grace and mercy be with us all!

best day of my life

the only thing i can say is, i am obviously not really living because the only, “best day of my life” that i can think of is when my daughter was born.

but until i recall another event or create another event, i will just sing this song over and over again….

 

Wave rider

i am very happy with myself. My ‘episode’ came. it came crashing unexpectedly. tears flowed like burning acid but i maintained. I rode the wave. I did not rely on one vice! Although i had thoughts of numbing the episode, and those thoughts reminded me of how easily the episode would vanish, i maintained. Those thoughts are right, numbing will make it vanish in the moment. But others thoughts showed up too. Reminders of what is really important and of long term goals. It was not easy, but I survived it. It has come back since earlier today, in smaller dosages and i have survived those too. One day at a time. One episode at a time. I survive with no vices. And that is the god in me!

transparent for healing

i cant believe that in this day and age, at my age, i still struggle to love the ones who love me. instead, i love the ones who dont love me. i have the patience of Job and unlimited faith in the wrong ones. im a sucker for ‘potential’ after all that i have gone through. this is so amazing to me. (FYI: when i say, ‘want or dont want’ me i am using those terms loosely to sum up one who is eagerly willing to do what it takes to make a monogamous, committed marriage work)

the ones “who dont want me” have me wasting precious time. the ones who “do want me” are getting tired of wasting their time..i have got to get past the ‘my types’, fantasies and potentials. i need to put my “list” down and just enjoy the ones who adore me. they may not be ‘my type’ but they worship the ground i walk on. i will trade in that kind of experience for ‘my types’ and ‘my types’ aint shit! meaning, i will never have total peace and trust. i will be faking it and bracing myself for a long time with ‘my types’; especially the one i secretly long for. but for the ones who ‘want me’, there are three who would be perfect (if i knew how to throw caution to the wind and love them back). we could ride off into the sunset, making life as we see fit, if only i knew how to let go.

one is too short, and not in physical height…..i’ll wait. the other has a STD, and the third, is physically deformed. i actually thought the second was sent to save me. the second one seemed an answered prayer and came with big fireworks because I was an answered prayer for him too. it’s been a long time since i had a love affair like this one. imagine my horror at the test results. my horror and my unwavering gratitude. needless to say, we are friends but that’s as far as we can go. that could’ve been a close call. am so glad that although i want a husband/significant other, i am not that thirsty! am thankful that i have RULES in place about dating. this experience only validated for me that no matter how hard it gets nor how ‘good it gets’, no sex before 90 days and no sex without NEW/current test results. the one who is deformed loves me from the depths of his soul. i have always wanted a love like that. a love i can see, feel, taste, smell, and know. somehow, it came in a different package in my dreams. he is not severely deformed. he’s actually a burn victim. there are other women who want him. but there are enough physical challenges that force me to battle with exactly how shallow i am.

and furthermore, when i look at the stats on the three who would be ‘perfect’ and i mean perfect, i dont know where to drown my sorrows. either in the bottle or some other vice. what is the universe trying to tell me? what is going on with the physical ailments? what past life lesson am i not getting? yet, i feel so bad that i will judge someone based on looks. i know what its like to be judged on ‘looks’. my own ex husband would abandon me for ‘looks’ yet, i struggle to love one who wants to give me the world based on ‘looks’. oh the rabbit hole is too deep, alice. where’s the rolling papers, geez! (jokes)

i come from old-school uncles who used to say, ‘marry the one who loves you more than u love them because they will spend the rest of their lives trying to make u happy. if u marry the one u love more, you will spend the rest of your life trying to make them happy.” i would dream of meeting one and we would spend the rest of OUR lives making each other happy. that hasnt happened yet. it has happened for many around me and almost all of my family members. alas for me, a lot of frogs but no prince. seems my uncles may have been on to something.

am worried that if i dont get my ish together, imma find myself settling for a warm body and learning how to just be happy with that. gives new meaning to the quote, ‘everybody dies but not everybody lives!’

i walk like this cuz i can back it up.

i secretly wonder if i have a hidden sadist within. i wonder if feeling some sort of pain, inflicted only by myself, tells me im alive. pain inflicted by someone else means war! i dont have that hangup! however, i am concerned about the amount of pain i will put myself in. i say these in gist but here’s what prompted the thinking:

im a bit stumped in some personal and spiritual goals. i means really stumped. in order to move over the hump, i chose to look deeper. self liberation 101 tells us that ‘it’s something that i am not doing’. it tells us to also celebrate the baby steps i have made but to continue chipping away at those hard to reach places. it is those hard to reach places, and those ‘stuck-on places’, that clog progress as we move through the cycles of self transformation.

so here i am, stuck at the same crossroads, making the same prayers, crying about the same things, stalling at the same start points. falling into the same marsh pits; cant climb over the same walls, foot getting stuck in the same tires, knees giving out at the same bend…..despite evidence of growth in other areas.

and instead of making a bigger deal out of the “other areas of growth” and slightly burying my head in the sand, i want to delve deeper into why i continue to suck in certain areas of my life. i chose to upturn lies and avoidances held together by the gauze of passing time and shotty stitching; but that have held up well during changing seasons. instead of leaving well enough alone, popping my collar, dusting my shoulders off, i am dusting cobwebs off of old scars and top shelves of closets. deciding to test some of those theories i told myself when i was in the process of ‘faking it until i made it’. who does that? who shoots their comfortable-way out from under them? instead of continuing with the ‘go along, to get along’,  i want to examine my self-worth and why my scars can fade to the background of my mind although they visibly leave deep gashes all over me.

all of this, just to free myself of the stumbling blocks that keep me from moving to the next levels of self transformation. everyone else is having a good time. instead of spending money to ‘look the part’; instead of dating; instead of socializing, my ass is working on self transformation. who does that? does that make for interesting dating conversation?

“so, what do you do?”

“I work in education by day and healing by night.”

blank stares…..

deep breathe…

here we go again….

…kudos to those who do the work on Self. like lauryn says, ‘the mad scientist who performs the experiments on Self’. thats why ‘we walk like this, because we can back it up!’ fists in the air for transformation. honey all over the journey! may the blessings, favor and protection pour in, always, for our diligence at Self Work! When the women get better, the men and children will follow. thus the salvation of the earth is nigh!

steps off soapbox, passes by circle of fine cigar smoke, privately inhales, sips oti, sprinkles water…keeps it moving.

anxiety inhalers

this morning i woke up with a sense of urgency. i must be careful and locate the source of such energy early. if not, this sense of urgency can become a thin line between urgency and anxiety. i wonder if there are inhalers for anxiety attacks. i have become more familiar with asthma in the past few years. when asthma appears, there is the inhaler designed to immediately counter its attack. where is the inhaler for anxiety? or for anger? quick temper? sadness? to catch it before it takes over.

and yet, again!

forgive me wordpress, i have sinned. its been a few months since my last entry. i have two blogs in the making. hope that buys me some love.

2 b better

He inspires me to live. to live better. to be better than before. to be better than yesterday. to eat better. to move better. to flow better. to love. to laugh. to heal. TO BE BETTER.

now u may say, ‘i should inspire myself’. in a perfect season, i do. but at this time, i have not. so i am most thankful for one who does. Inspiration can come from anywhere or from anything. from flowers. from pain. from children. from butterflies. im just happy it comes from a god such as him.

loose myself/she wrote the heck outta these words….

lauryn and all the kids

lauryn hill and son joshua